Assignment for Round Three: Soldier of Fortune Speaks with Pauly Shore

Third-rate celebrities get third-rate publicists, who sometimes screw up and book interviews with third-rate and possibly irrelevant media outlets. Pick a real third-rate celebrity, and write a transcript of an interview with someone from a real or imaginary third-rate magazine, TV show, or website. Make sure to include the intro paragraph with the ginchy details about who the interview is for, where it was being conducted, etc. Make it all very third-rate.

Let's keep this under 700 words, total. This assignment is due Wednesday, May 3, by 11 p.m. US EST.

Round Two Entries

Okey-Dokey! Took a little doing, but we got 'em all, thanks largely to my newfound devil-may-care attitude toward lateness. Hey, we'll wait. We'll wait as long as it takes. And send you emails. Lots of emails.

Anyberg, this week was another crack at table-driven flash fiction. I'll admit to getting an audible chuckle out of a couple of these. That's better than usual. Please rank 'em, comment on them, and send it all to me in an email by, oh, let's say 11 Tuesday night. Can everyone make Tuesday night? Remember, those who have been banished are still eligible to rank and comment. I'm sure they won't be bitter.

The Phantom:

Blue Man Group Takes a Duck Tour
(Blue Man Group, A large vehicle, fairy tale)

Once upon a time, Blue Man Group took the Duck Tour around Boston. They were hoping to find the evil wizard who put the Spell of Silence on them. The duck tour stopped at the Aquarium and Blue Man Group saw the wizard watching the harbor seals. When they approached, the wizard tried to escape. So they hit him with PVC pipes.

"Please forgive me!" he cried.
Blue Man Group didn't respond.
"But you're funnier this way!"
Blue Man Group realized it was true, so they invited him on the Duck Tour. And they all lived happily ever after.

Your Sharona:

The Curse of the Career Juicer (allegedly)
(A Group of Pro Athletes, A Large Vehicle, Horror)

Bonds, McGuire, Sosa, and Canseco are headed to testify before congress in a Hummer.
Canseco says "So who's been juicing?"
"Not Me," says everyone else.

"I corked bats."
"I trusted Balco."
"And I took Andro."
"It isn't our fault."

"If you had admitted your sins you wouldn't have to die."

They reach for the handles, but the doors are locked.
They hear a weird beeping from the back of the truck.

"But why would you do this to all of us?"

"Because you ALL lied and now you're ALL fucked."

BEEEEEEP!

BOOM!

Xtina Nipplegate:

Seriously, Assholes, Who Put the Ex-Lax in My Creatine?
(Group of Professional Athletes, Large Vehicle, Crime)

Manny mixed the shake like any other morning. It never tasted good. Today it was worse. Chalkier than usual, maybe too much powder.

Two hours pass. The aisle to the port-a-let on the bus never seemed longer. Manny's bowels rumble in preparation for the inevitable rupture.

At the front of the bus, Coco, David and Trot were snickering to themselves. Manny emerged from the port-a-let. He was pissed & shitty.

"Alright, assholes, who put the ex-lax in my creatine"?

No response. More snickering.

Manny cried to himself on his way back to the port-a-let.

He would never know.

Viv Savage:

If I Were You I Might Look Around For A Dish Towel Or Something In The Meantime
(Bush's Cabinet, Backyard BBQ, Romance)


"Hey, Cheney ... tell us about Condi that night in the van."
Cheney sipped his beer.
"Say anything, Dick, and you're an asshole," muttered Dr. Rice.
The gang ooooooooohed. Cheney smirked. And winked.
Condi sighed. "An asshole who can go to Vermont by himself next weekend."
She flipped a burger.
Bush raised his hand.
"Yes?" snapped Rumsfeld.
"Is Vermont a mall?"
"Yes. Exactly. It's a giant mall in New England. They have the World's Biggest Cinnabon there."
Bush nodded, spilling his drink.
"Goddamnit, G. Are the napkins still in the van?"
"Allow me," said Cheney. "Condi? Your assistance?"
"Fuck yes."

Dee Dee Myers: Seductress:

Washington Bureau Chief and Moderator of Meet the Press Tim Russert Talks to Eric Cartman About His Candidacy for the U.S. House of Representatives
(South Park kids, Meet the Press, Fairy Tale)

Cartman: "Tim, when I was a child . . ."

WBC/MOMTPTR: "You are a child."

Cartman: ". . . I was told I couldn't do this, couldn't do that. But I can, (bleep)dammit! No matter what you say! I'm running for Congress!"

WBC/MOMTPTR: "For Tom DeLay's seat. As a Republican?"

Cartman: "Yes, (bleep)hole! It doesn't matter that I?m from Colorado, or still in fourth grade. I can hate gays!. Let?s slingshot those Mexicans back to their (bleep)(bleep) country. And I'll win because America needs me to defeat the terrorists. The terrorists who killed my best friend, Kenny."

Stan: "YOU TERRORIST BASTARDS!"

Thrackazog:

Mouth to Malph
(The Nutty Kids from Happy Days, Vacation Paradise, Romance)

"Nobody will believe this can last, Ralph."

"Doesn't matter."

Here, on this island, nobody could stop their passion. The love they had was like the volcano that formed this place. Hot and dangerous. Spontaneous and trembling. Engorged and spewing.

"What will Richie say?"

"What can he say? His best friend and his sister. It'll be tough..."

The empty beach was theirs. Oversized umbrella. Margaritas.

"And Chachi?"

The name drifted to the wind and floated over the waves.

"Chachi is a boy. Never loved me...never...touched me like you do."

He grabbed her breast then, gently, and honked.