Round 1 Assignment: My Love for You is Like My Love For You

You are in the doghouse with your significant other. You bought him or her Travel Scrabble for Valentine's Day. Despite the intricate 7-ribbon wrapping job, that didn't cut it. He or she has now announced that you need to write a love song just for him/her, or lose him or her forever. You don't want that to happen.

The good news is that you are not without a powerful creative impulse. You are the lead singer and songwriter of an up-and-coming emo band. You write songs all the time. The bad news is that your band is called The Incredible Literals, due in no small part to the freak lawn dart injury you suffered as a child. Your sister Calliope let fly without first checking to see who was downrange. The dart lodged in the back of your head, damaging your left angular gyrus. This left you permanently without any ability to generate or understand metaphors or abstraction of any kind.

Your love for your significant other is large, as large as the love you would feel for someone you loved as much as you possibly could. You don't want to lose them over something as silly as Travel Scrabble. Let's see the lyric of the song you write. Don't forget: no abstraction. You're a literal thinker. But make it catchy.

New Rules for Season Six: Now 60% Less Sadistic!

Let's play a game. It might be fun. It's a writing contest.

1. We'll start with a bunch of players on a virtual imaginary island.
2. Every couple of weeks, your virtual imaginary game show host/power-mad lunatic (me) will publish a writing assignment. Very short and non-onerous, and possibly with opportunites for great hilarity or at least inaudible chuckling.
3. Each player will complete the assignment. All submissions will be published at this chronologically-ordered website for the amusement of all.
4. All the players on the island will read everyone's submissions and rank all the other entries from one to "n-1", where one is the best, and "n-1" is one less than the number of players currently on the island. Is it clear that you don't rank your own entry? Don't rank your own entry.
5. The precise meaning of "the best," relative to the voting criteria, is left entirely up to you. You can vote for the most entertaining entry, the most emotionally affecting entry, or the entry with the most Ns in it.
6. The object of the game is to be the last person on the island. Every week, the worst-ranked writers are kicked off the island. My current thinking is that we'll boot one-quarter of the original island population each round. I'll announce the unlucky number each round, prior to voting.
7. When only a quarter of the original population is left, all the people who are already off the island (The Jury) will vote to determine the final rank of the remaining writers.
8. New for Season Six: Prizes. Rather than get all bossy about "having" to pay an entrance fee, here's the deal. There is an optional $5 prize pool fee, payable to me the first week. Prizes will be awarded to the top three finishers. If you buy in at the beginning, and then become one of the top three finishers, you will receive a prize, selected and purchased by me. If all the top three finishers bought into the prize pool, then I'll spend 50% on first place, 30% on second place, and 20% on third place. If you are in the top three and did not buy into the prize pool, I will award you some random object I find in my house. In the event that the best writers all turn out to be cheap bastards, I will take all the money in the prize pool and buy a single fabulous prize for the highest ranking finisher who bought in. Could this all end up being a big pain in the ass for me? Yes. If you want into the prize pool, Paypal me $5 at beverage at mistercrunchy dot com. This needs to happen before the first Tribal Council. If Paypal doesn't work for you, lemme know.
9. No immunity. No tribes. Immunity and tribes are weak.
10. We'll keep this anonymous to minimize politicking and embarrassment for those who remain on the island an inordinate amount of time. If you choose to play, you may choose or choose to be assigned a Super Special Game Name.
11. Just like on the real Survivor, you'll be expected to make snotty editorial comments with your votes.
12. I'm not playing. I'm hosting. Yes, this will place me in a position of authority, which may generate feelings of self-loathing, but I can handle it.
13. If you fail to submit an entry by the round's deadline, you're gone for the season. If you fail to vote by the deadline, same deal. Yes, I realize this means that the top ranked writer might get booted. No appeals unless accompanied by cash or fly rods.
14. I am not going to edit anything. When you hit Send, that's your entry.
15. There will be no "losers" in this game, only people who have won less.
16. I reserve the right to come up with tiebreaking procedures as necessary. If you don't suck you won't need to worry about it.
17. Please don't sign up if you're not going to be able to play all four rounds. Now, having said that, there's nothing stopping you from having someone fill in for you if you go on vacation or something.
18. We'll do submissions and voting by email. I'll give each player a Secret ID Code which must accompany every submission and vote. That way, I'll know your email is authentic, and not faked by some unscrupulous competitor. Woo. Secret ID Codes.

Rock!

Double-Reverse Survivor is coming soon and it is going to fricking rule.