Assignment for Week 19: Lenny Kravitz is the Hitler of Rock Music

Well, not really, but that was the title of an Amazon.com review that cracked me up. For this final week of Season Four, write a negative Amazon style review of anything they sell. Make it funny and irate, and leave nothing but smoldering rubble in your wake.

This will also be a jury vote week.

Tribal Council, Week 18

Part 1. Part 2.

Entries for Week 18.

A kindergartner's poem about what he wants to be when he grows up.

Lucy Lawless:

"fireman" by nicolas Lanning

i want to be a fireman when i grow up
i want to be big and strong
my daddy says the fireman puts out fires girls make
with the hoses
daddy says girls like big hoses

i want to be a fireman and drive the red truck
i will be the best fireman
daddy says girls like the fireman
daddy says fireman gets all the trim

Bob Vila:

I really wanna be a cop
so I can make a traffic stop.
Lights and sirens I would pop
So crap in your pants you will drop.

To serve and protect is a pile of poo
I'd rather run your plates in the drive through
The most important thing they do
Is capitalistic, I thought you knew

They don't care about our well being
If they had their way of teaching
Prison bars we'd all be seeing
Stainless toilets for our peeing.

Star Jones:

When I get bigger, I'm going to be an engineer.
I'll pull a long train with a red caboose in the rear.

I'll wear my striped pants. I'll wear my striped hat.
I'll blow that steam whistle so you'll know where I'm at.

Then just like my daddy, I'll come home from work.
Crack open a beer and say "My boss is a jerk".

After cleaning my guns I'll fall asleep in my chair.
I'll burp, I'll fart, and snore like a bear.

Assignment for Week Whatever It Is

Write a kindergartner's poem about what he or she wants to be when he or she grows up.

Tribal Council, Week 17

OK. Audioblogger is down and I don't want to drag this out any further, so this week's tribal council is brought to you through the wonders of Text-O-Rama. Doo-dooot!

Here are the comments, which I will now cut and paste without attribution:

I guess with "jury" voting starting next week, it doesn't matter if I give myself away in the comments. I didn't like these entries as a whole. Buck's was pretty much lame, and the other's weren't much better. Mrs. Jones went for the obvious (although with an interesting slant), while Bob's stream of consciousness from last week blossomed into something more developed. And tawdry. Which I enjoyed.

Still, I'm going with a little "strategery" this week because voting for the best gets you nowhere. So, employing the "Vote for the Worst" theory that kept Scott Savol in American Idol for a long time, I'm voting for Buck Nasty in the hope that someone will vote for me and NOT get a vote in return. Sorry, Mr. Vila.

Bob Vila gets my vote for the strangest entry of the season. The long hard hot weenie like season.

Bob, that was a bit odd. I'm not sure how you got to Mother Leopard from a Hot Dog sign.

Buck, not a very inspired entry, and too nice to be a ransom note. where's the darkness, the evil, the fluids?

Lucy, nice effort putting forth the white trashy ransom note. The Katherine the Great reference was kinda weird, but the mixed caps were a nice try at a gimmick.

************************************
So much for the comments. Here are the votes:

Vote #1: Bob Vila.
Vote #2: Buck Nasty.
Vote #3: Lucy Lawless.
Vote #4: There is no Vote #4.

Bob didn't vote, so he's ineligible for escape this week. That leaves us with Buck and Lucy. Star already voted for one of them and Bob's AWOL, so we go to historical votes to break the tie. Buck had 14. Lucy had 12. Buck's out.

Congratulations, Mr. Nasty. I'll get an assignment up sometime tomorrow. Remember...we're into jury voting now. I'm out!

OK, I'm still short votes. Please get your votes in by 9 pm, this evening, Saturday. Due to the way the votes have fallen, a tie breaker wouldn't be fair (someone would be compelled to vote against themselves). So if I don't hear anything by 9, I'll go to historical votes to break the tie.

Still waiting for votes. I'm going fishing tomorrow, so no tribal until tomorrow night. Please send in your votes. Thanks.

Entries for Week 17

Ransom note for a giant hot dog.

Star Jones:

I have your weenie. I always wanted a big weenie. Now I have one.

Do not call the Police, FBI, or Oscar Mayer. If you do, you may never see your weenie again.

If you want your weenie back, I demand a ransom of four cases of Viagra (Sildenafil Citrate) and a fleshlight. If you agree to these demands, place an ad in the "men-seeking-men" section of the SF Weekly. The ad should say "I can meet your demands" and sign it "Desperately Seeking Big Weenie" with your phone number. When I see the ad I will contact you with further instructions.

I have so far treated your weenie with the respect it deserves. Meet my demands. No harm will come to your weenie, and we can both have big ones.

Do the right thing. Don't make me hurt your weenie.

Lucy Lawless:

Dear HoT doG SellEr
I tooK Your sign and You ainT gettinG it back Til I get what i Want I meAn shIt I would keep It if My wife was kaTheRINe the Great but She aInt if You want iT back put a Bottle of Nighttrain a CarTon of Benson & Hedges and 5 decks of Playing CardS in a box in frOnT of Your sTore I Never likeD That sign anyWay

Bob Vila:

Hello Mother Leopard. I have your weiner-cub. If you ever want to caress her gentle beefy byproduct skin again, bring 10,000 colonuts, midnight, behind the box. I'll be the hyena. You'll see.

Buck Nasty:

Mr Ardrey,

If you ever want to see your weenie again you will deliver 30 franks, 30 buns, a half pound of sauerkraut, two tubs of baked beans, 2 bags of regular chips AND two bags of barbeque along with the appropriate condiments - mustard - ketchup etc to the Kasenow family reunion at Lakeside Park on June 18th. If it is raining we will be under yert
16.

Anonymous Weenie Thief.

Assignment for Week 17

OK, let's see the ransom note.

[As per the instructions published when this season began in 1987, this is our last week of castaway voting. Jury Voting Mode starts next week. So what? You ask. Well, for one thing, it means that the women you thought you didn't have in the audience anymore will be back. This is your last week playing to the boys' club. Plan your anatomy and fluid jokes accordingly.]

Week 16

Our castaways were asked to come up with a narrative intro for an imaginary TV show or movie. Enjoy.

Cher:

It is the future. Religious zealots control the world government and use powerful time travel technology and ray guns to prevent the births of prominent sinners. Three gifted exotic dancers learn that their families have been targeted for historical erasure. Aided by rogue temporal scientist Dr. Heironymous Boff and accompanied only by the mystical Shaolin priest Da Bing...Tawni with an "i", Nurse Nellie, and Cheetara the Cat Girl travel the centuries, protecting their unknowing white trash ancestors from the minions of Reverend President. Fighting for their very existence, they are: Hoochie Force...2069!

Bob Vila:

We're wild - just like a rock, a stone, a tree, and we're free ? just like the wind, the breeze that blows, and we flow - just like a brook, a stream, the rain, and we fly ? just like a bird up in the sky, and I'll surely die ? just like a flower plucked (dramatic pause) and dragged away and thrown away and then one day it turns to clay, it blows away, and finds a ray, it finds its way, and there it lays ? until the rain and sun replay. Then we breathe, just like the wind the breeze that blows, and I grow, just like a baby breastfeeding, and its beautiful... and that's life.

Buck Nasty:

In a time when women challenged the rule of men... In a time when hurricanes were largely untrackable... In a time when fuschia was a little more pink and not quite so salmon... there was one gang that ruled the streets: Signal Squad!

With their super fast break dance action and uncanny rhythm... Captained by Ty D. Beaver, the Signal Squad will always defend cheerleader ethics... and their antics. Welcome to the adventures of SIGNAL SQUAD!!

Lucy Lawless:

Coming soon to PAX television:

"For centuries, persecution of homosexuals has gone largely unchecked. Laws and other efforts to stop this have not been effective, or have been ignored entirely. That's where we come in. My name is Manhole, and we are The Gay Team!"

Star Jones:

Not long ago, the world was crowded with jumbled lines of lifeless programs, written in dead languages cobbled together in a dreadful mix of unmanageable packets. An industry was dying under the weight of its own complexity. But one day, an epic hero emerged from the dirty, crowded and odiferous slums of Bombay. The young programmer brought light into the darkness, structure to the chaos, and hope to the hopeless. He became an inspiration, an Oracle, a God. He is -

Sethumadhavan

Assignment for Week 2⁴

Some TV shows and movies have a narrative introduction that gets things going. Star Trek had one. The Big Lebowski had one. Charlie's Angels had one. Make up an introduction for an imaginary show or movie.

Week XV Entries

Our castaways were asked to come up with a scene from a British costume farce. It's easy to see how some might interpret that as "what if Beavis and Butthead made a hip hop movie?" or "show us the first page of your IT Masters thesis." But the assignments are just guidelines, really. Be who you want to be. Follow your muse. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a Montessori school here.

Enjoy.

Bob Vila:

Alstair : Sup Ladies

Brigitte & Cecily : Yo dogs. Wud up?

Desmond : Not shit. Chillin. Killin. Scrillin. (heh)

Brigitte : Scrillin? What is scrillin?

Alstair & Desmond : (giggling like horny catholic schoolboys to themselves) You don't know what scrillin is? Oh man. You are soooo 18th century.

Cecily : I'm not exactly sure what scrillin is either... wanna fill us coozes in?

A & D: Shit, hoes. If you ain't be knowin what scrillin is, ain't no helpin' y'all. Word is born.

B : (thinking) stupid scrillin. Stupid boys. They don't even know my sister has crabs. Ha.

C : (thinking) wow. Scrillin sounds cool. I wonder if it'll cure my crabs.

A & D : anyway bitches, we'z about to roll on down to dis big festival dance thing, so bust out the big hoopy skirts and lets bounce, aight?

C : (thinking, out loud now) But my only big hoopy skirt has a hole in the crotch from the last time I went out

(enter The Earl, of course just as Cecily was talking about the hole in her crotch)

Earl : A HOLE IN YOUR CROTCH? GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!!!! And shit, beotch.

C : oh, daddy, I didn't mean it... I was just.... just... playing?

Earl : eff that you dirty tramp. I said get thee.

C : why are you talking all funky, daddy-o?

Earl : GET THEE!

(exit Cecily, sulking)

A & D : Snap, yo. Now which one of us is gonna tag this fine piece?

Earl : You insubordinate little rodents! Out of my sight!

A : yea right, pops. Not without the skank

B : yea. I wanna go to the dance, and my hoopy skirt is ok. Plus we're gonna do some scrillin!

Earl : yea, alright. I guess its cool. Scrillin rules.

(cut to Cecily in her room, preparing for the nunnery)

Cecily : Mwa hahahahah (maniacal laughter) Those buffoons! As soon as the 22" chrome spinners on Alstair's carriage stop the gigantic poop bomb will cover them all, and their night will be - (scratch scratch) damn these crabs - ruined!

(cut back to Alstair, Desmond & Brigitte, entering the dope ass ride)

Alstair : yo, Brigitte, check out these bomb rims on my carriage. And my horse got some gold teeth.

Brigitte : Ooh. Lets fuck.

Alstair : aight, I just gots to stop these rims from spinnin, they're making me sick.

(Alstair hits the hydraulics on his carriage to stop the spinners, then all of them get covered in mad amounts of feces from the poop bomb)

A B & D : (simultaneously) awwww...... shit!

(riotous laughter)

(curtain)

Lucy Lawless:

Merchant Ivory presents Boiled (In Hot Water)

Scene: The main sitting area of the Earl of Shrimptonboroughshire's estate house. It is noontime. Sisters Brigitte and Cecily are seated in chaise chairs. Cecily is fanning herself.

[Manservant Ted enters with Alastair and Desmond. Ted bows deeply, and then leaves.]

Cecily [with an air of impatience]: Well, well. So pleased that you could finally join us.

Alastair: Sorry, my dear. We had to make a call on a . . . friend.

Cecily: A friend? I wasn't sure you had many of those. How did you fare?

Alastair: Oh, it was just a boring visit, really. Nothing of import to relay.

Brigitte: Come now, Mr. Farendinganham. Do tell! What's her name?

(Brigitte begins to laugh hysterically, while Cecily looks suddenly wide-eyed and pale.)

Alastair [looking quickly at Desmond]: What say you, Desmond? Should we tell them about our visit?

Desmond [stammering over Brigitte's continuing laughter]: I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Shall we sojourn to the parlour? Ladies?

Brigitte [apparently finished laughing, but still smiling wickedly]: No, Mr. Wickenburgson. I insist that you and your friend tell us at once about your adventures on the way . . .

Alastair [interrupting]: We paid a visit to my uncle in the moors . . . where we had our midday meal.

(Cecily covers her mouth and gasps audibly, while Brigitte's face hardens into a scowl.)

Brigitte: You are a right bastard, Alastair! You knew that we were having a meal for you here. Cecily had the cooks prepare your favorite boiled beef with rarebit and Snowden pudding! And you, Desmond! I . . .

Alastair: No-one said anything about boiled beef! Desmond, did you know of this?

Desmond: Certainly not.

Alastair: Well, I am very sorry, Cecily. How can I make it up to you?

Cecily [after a pause and looking pensively]: I should think that it would be adequate if both of you sat down to eat with us, even if you feigned illness or fatigue. We mustn't disappoint my father.

Alastair: Of course not. Anything else?

Cecily: Yes. You should all know that I'm pregnant with Alastair's child and my father mustn't find out.

Earl of Shrimptonboroughshire [from offstage]: WHAT?!!

Buck Nasty:

A sunny upscale cottage overloking a green british lawn.

Alastair (Seriously): While everyone generally agrees that integrating technology into the classroom curriculum is critical for the success of today's students, among peer reviewed journal articles there is an absence of discussion regarding who is responsible for this integration in two year post-secondary institutions.

Desmond (Giggling): Responsibility, along with many other ideas about technology in the curriculum, has been adequately addressed in countless articles about K-12 schooling and university level education.

Alastair (Quickly now): Community colleges, institutes recognized both as a center for workforce training and as a gap between high school and university level learning, are a critical environment for technology education but do not receive adequate attention toward integrating technology into the curriculum.

Desmond (More giggling and more quickly paced): Well, I will demonstrate the lack of discussion about technology at the community college and in addition illuminate the issue of responsibility of technology integration in the community college curriculum.

Alastair: And finally I will close with a proposal for a three phased approach for further investigation.

Enter Brigitte and Cecily from the right.

The girls hush down as Brigitte and Cecily enter the room.

Brigitte (quite seriously): Surveys, such as the one conducted by Wicklein, bring light to the changes in education brought about by technology.

Cecily (looking suspiciously at the giggling girls): Wicklein's research suggested an "inadequate understanding" of education technology on multiple educational levels.

Brigitte (sits): Wicklein polled middle school and high school instructors, university department heads and state and regional supervisors and asked them about their concerns regarding technology education.

Enter The Earl from Stage Left. All are shocked.

The Earl (upset almost yelling): How dare you all meet behind my back and discuss the responsibility of integrating technology into the curriculum at community colleges! Why I oughtta!!

Plenty O'Toole:

Alastair: "Well hello there Brigitte. Cecily. Jolly good to see you today."

(Alastair grins slyly at Desmond.)

Desmond: "Yes it is wonderful to see you Cecily. (COUGH muffled) withyerclotheson (cough.)

Alastair: (laughing)

Cecily: "Very funny. I hope the bloody crabs eat you both alive. Wankers!"

Brigitte: (laughing)

Alastair: (angrily to Brigitte) "I don't know what you are laughing at. It isn't like we haven't diddled before."

Brigitte: (laughing turning into sobbing and finally full-on crying.)

Desmond: "No need to get your knickers all in a bunch. Just a little sexin amongst friends is all it is."

Brigitte: "No, you don't understand." (pause)

"I have AIDS."

Alastair, Cecily and Desmond all at once: "WHAT??!?!"

Brigitte: "Just kidding, but now it is much easier to tell you that I'm pregnant."

Star Jones:

Scene: An elegantly appointed large rectangular dinner table in a 18th century appointed dining room. Alastair and Desmond are one one side of the table, the elder Brigitte and Cecily on the other.

Desmond: Cecily hon, can you pour me some more champagne?

Cecily: Certainly, Desmond. But maybe you've had enough? Do you want to spend the entire night in the loo.

Desmond: Oh bugger off Cecily, Who do you think you are? My mum? Besides, I've got Alastair here to comfort me when I'm in need.

Cecily: I don't want to see you become an alcoholic.

Alastair: Oh please, would you two just stop. [Standing up from the table, lifting his glass and looking at the women] I would like to propose a toast. To Brigitte and Cecily, through all tough times in the orphange, and then after our adoption by Pearl, you were always there for us. We love you like the big sisters we never had.

[Everyone smiles and the foursome clink their glasses together at the center of the table.]

Desmond:[Rising from his chair] And we have an announcement. One that may come as a surprise. [Turns to Alastair] We have fallen in love.

[An audible gasp from both women]

Brigitte: In Love? [She turns to Cecily, whose face shows both shock and dismay] Like, lovers? [Turns back to Desmond] You're gay?

[Alastair and Desmond nod, and smile at each other]

Brigette: Cecily, did you know about this?

Cecily: [barely audible] No.

Alastair: I'm sorry we've had to keep it a secret. But now, we are committed to each other, and plan to move to Massachusetts to be married.

Cecily: But you can't. You are...... brothers.

Desmond: Oh Cecily, Alastair and I have developed a relationship that is more than just brothers.

Cecily: No really. You are brothers.

[Everyone looks a Cecily, who now has her elbows on the table and her head in her hands]

Brigette: How can you say that?

Cecily: [Takes a deep breath. Looks up.] Because I am your mother.

[Silence - as the news soaks in. But then we here some noise in the background, sounds like high heels on a wood floor]

Desmond: Is there somebody else here in the house.

Alastair: Brothers?

Brigitte: Yes, It is our father. He's staying with us for a few days while he's in town.

Desmond: Your Father is here? Can we meet him and share with him our news. [Whispering] Do you think he'd be ok with that?

Brigitte: Yes. I mean no. He's very busy. I'm sure he's in a hurry. He has a show tonight here in town and he is using our dressing area to get ready.

Alastair: Mother?

Desmond: A show? What kind of show?

Brigette: Oh it's not a big deal. He sings a little, caberet style. You know, like show tunes and stuff. He's quite good, although a little controversial so we don't brag about him much.

Cecily: In boarding school I got pregnant, and left my darling twin boys at the orphanage. That's why we volunteered there. I still love you.

Desmond: Why do you call it controversial? Our mother Pearl sings caberet in France also? I wonder if they know each other?

Alastair: You just left us?

Brigette: [Calling to the other room] Dad, why don't you come in and meet our friends.

[Sounds of click, clock, click clock and the doorway curtains fly back and there is The Earl, in full makeup, long pearl necklaces, a push-up red and black corset, pink feather boa, fishnet stockings and spiked heels]

The Earl: [in song and striking a pose] Ta Da! The Earl of Pearl. What do you think girls?

Brigette and Cecily : Oh Dad, you look beautiful!

Alastair and Desmond: Mom?

The Earl: Well now. Isn't this a surprise?