Assignment Fifteen: Wilde on The Island...of Doom!

Alastair and Desmond have come to call on sisters Brigitte and Cecily. Alastair and Desmond know something Brigitte and Cecily don't know. Likewise, Brigitte and Cecily know something Alastair and Desmond don't know. Cecily knows something that none of the others know, and you never know when the girls' father, The Earl, might burst into the parlor and cause a ruckus. Give us a slug of snappy 19th century British farce dialog, under 500 words and in the form of a script for a play. Make sure we all know what they all know before you're done.

Tribal Council, Week 14

Part One. Part Two.

Tiebreaker

A tiebreaker is afoot. Email has been sent to those who need to vote again to break the tie. Tribal Council will be posted once it all gets sorted out. Sorry for the delay. The good news is, we've got people escaping this week. Plural people.

Entries for Week 14

The castaways were asked to come up with an original funny pickup line. I'm totally using some of these.

(No, I'm not.)

Couple of late entries down there at the bottom. One tardy entrant claimed Daylight Savings Time and the other said they were testing out their pickup line. I couldn't bring myself to turn them away. It's been a while since everyone played.

SpeedBird™ Junior Speedminton® Set:

"You know, when I look at you I'm reminded of the wallpaper in my guest bathroom...you both need to be stripped bare."

Artemis Woman™ Professional Facial Center:

Setting: Vatican City, April 2005.
Event: Raucous celebration following the announcement of choice of new Pope

"If the Virgin Mary had your eyes, Jesus would have had a human father."

Feline Frolic™ Remote-Controlled Cat Exerciser:

"Mmmm, you smell like Chicken Teriyaki!"

Color Flow™ Floatable Football:

"Because pickup lines are dumb, a lot of guys say that they have no pickup line, and then not having a pickup line is really their pickup line. So instead of boring you with that, I figured I would be the guy who jokes about the people who use not having a pickup line as their pickup line.

Can I buy you a drink?"

iJoy™ Turbo 2 Robotic Massage® Chair:

She: "So what do you do for a living?"
He: "I install hardwood floors. Why don't we go back to my place and I'll show you my expert skills in the field of tongue in groove."

PowerTie™ Motorized Tie Rack:

"What kind of sects are you into?"

Electronic Mosquito Swatter:

Guy to girl:

"Man, I really feel like going somewhere expensive, maybe with a big bag of new cosmetic products in tow, and talking some serious, unfounded shit about someone's friends and coworkers. I wish I had someone to go with me."

HugOO™ Body Pillow:

"You are one hot babe. You look just like my mom."

Assignment for Week XIV: Weren't You Miss Teen Florida, 1987?

Write a new, original, possibly even effective pickup line, in the "if you can make them laugh, they're less likely to tell you to piss off" mode.

Entries For Week XIII

Odes to our castaways' hometowns. We could lose two this week and just about everyone is within spittin' distance. Enjoy.

Buttermilk:

Quincy MA, the City of Presidents.
Sounds like "flimsy,"
Old-timers agree
How to pronounce the name of this City.

Quincy, MA, old stomping grounds for the Adams family.
Newbies rhyme it with "Cincy"
And move into condos built on the old quarries.
While John and John Q. roll in their graves.

Butter:

My town is a little small town.
Well, it's a bigger than that,
But I don't venture much past
The few streets around my house.

So, my town is a little small town.
It has a mayor and all that sort of thing.
He's a bit queer, kinda scary.
Self-appointed, but we all agree.

He reminds me of a man I'd pass everyday
As a boy. He rushed once from his newsstand
Shrieked, kicked me and ran back to his shed.
Big, oafish, lumbering and a bit of a mystery.

At the end of my street that's not my street
--The streets here are eccentric,
Looking straight but turning right, or left--
Are two handsome mill buildings turned office.

They were once a shoe factory of some note
And my neighbor, Mr. Moore, took a job there
in 1959. He was then 17 and eager.
"You've got a job for life," said one old hand.

The factory closed three years later.
It houses now a variety of things:
Graphic designers, artists, lawyers, and
Sundry other occupants. Mr. Moore moved too.

Two pups live in his house now.
Well, they're married, but pups just the same.
There must have been a dozen Moores in
My little small town. Just so for the Mayor.

The Mayor lives in his auntie's house, which
Used to be his grandmother's and his cousin, around
The corner, lives in the house of his father's
Birth and his uncle, across the street, lives in...

I don't know whose house I live in.
Mr. Brown knew. But he moved.
Some pups with pups live in his house now.
I know whose house they live in.

Cultured Pasteurized Milk:

O beautiful Middleburg full of glory and wit,
With the hill in my backyard that resembled a tit-
Mouse playing on its back as it rolled in some shit.
Both the sight and the stench did remind me of it.

With your wonderful affinity for killing our trees,
You were just making the air easier to breathe.
The drop in the pollen count, the allergic it pleased
the smog in the morning, we coughed and we wheezed.

The crazy old bastard with the perpetual sign
Letting us know that we were soon out of time
Most of them had a good attempt at a rhyme
But they left a taste reminiscent of brine.

Yea, O beautiful Middleburg I sing unto you
We lived in that hellhole past age thirty-two.
You were as good of a city as anyone knew,
As I write this farewell, my heart, it is blue.

Durum Semolina:

The Greatest Place on Earth.

Really you don't want to live
On or near this leaking sieve
Coughing up filth and horrid waste.
Keep on thinking you should forgive

The people here who have no taste.
Hide this slimy and awful place,
Armpit of the inland north west
Tie this logical ankle brace.

So someone wants to see a breast,
Honcho, me thinks I passed their test,
I have never had to cross the stream,
Tis time to brush my teeth with crest.

Spokane is like a crapy dream,
Indeed there is no music them,
Please celebrate our Krispy Kreme.
You celebrate our Krispy Kreme.

Whey:

Oh blustery Gainesville! In Georgia, not Florida
Where the wet dusty breeze throws the feathers all over ya;
Chickens in the driveway, chickens in the yard,
Chickens getting electrocuted and their feathers yanked out hard.

Chickens in the town square, chickens up your dress
If we didn't slaughter chickens here we'd be in quite a mess.
That should seem like enough, I know, to make this town adored:
Can you believe they filmed "Deliverance" like eight feet from my door?

Oh Columbus! No, in Georgia, not Ohio
Where apparently everyone can own pointless land under the sky-o.
It's only thirteen rocky snake-filled miles to the mailbox every night
Make sure you take the rifle and shoot those wild pack dogs on sight!

My crazy grandpa roams around, pointing out the charm
A bad toupee, a camo vest, a born-again woman on his arm.
"One day I'll finish this house," he declares, swatting away the wasps
As allergic Dad crouches on the counter with an epinephrine shot.

Salt:

A kingdom of plastic, the city praises
and bows down before you
Almighty Plastic Pink Flamingo
Fertile, futile Apple Trees

Johnny's Orchards almost gone now
Build a Target and they will come
All hail Blue Devils
Turkey Day Rivalry for the Ages

The Town of Sears became the Field of Whitney
Praise be the new Taco Bell -
the soon to open Starbucks
Vente latte for the little people

Purple trains reach deep into the wild
Bring forth the sleepy people into the light of the city
Forty Miles away - no traffic reports, no weather
Planes dropping like teardrops from the sky.

Enzymes:

An Ode to Cleveland

Buffalo and Pittsburgh
Can both go straight to hell.
The Goo Goo Dolls and Donnie Iris,
Suit both those cities well.

I grew up here in Cleveland
Where the deer and the antelope play.
Oh wait. That's just the sound of,
This city's incessant decay.

We may not have an accent,
Like all the other towns.
Instead we have our vowels,
And normal consonant sounds.

Halle Berry gave us "Jungle Fever."
Trent Reznor learned to Rock.
Phil Donahue and Bob Hope too.
Jeffrey Dahmer killed a lot.

Our mayors have all been liars.
One even lost the Browns.
Our river caught on fire.
I hope Drew Carey drowns.

So please come visit Cleveland,
Your "soda" is our "pop."
I hope you enjoy your summer,
In a 14 hour block.

Assignment: Week XIII

Write an ode to your hometown. Write it in quatrains, no more than ten of them.

As you may recall, three of the four interminable first phase escapees have escaped. So there's one spot left. It is not inconceivable that more than one of you could break 13 this week. If that occurs, here's how we'll break the tie: first tiebreaker is new total votes, second tiebreaker is Week XIII votes, third tiebreaker is something random and capricious. Also, if the last Phase One escapee is not the highest vote getter this week, the highest vote getter also escapes. If no one breaks 13, no one escapes.

Tribal Council, Week XII

...where something exciting happened. Part One. Part Two.

Entries for Week Twelve

...wherein our players were asked to inadvertently convey a strong emotion in a passage from a translated user manual. Can you tell it's Week 12? The assignments are getting wackier. There might be another entry coming in, so please hold off on voting until tomorrow morning.

Enjoy.

UPDATE: Please note a new entry from "Arctic Cooling Freezer 64." This was in by the deadline, and I managed to not post it last night. If you have already voted (the one of you), you may change your vote ONLY to Arctic Cooling Freezer 64 if you choose. Also, please don't confuse "Arctic Cooling Freezer 64" with "Arctic Silver 5." They're totally different. Apologies for the confusion.

Arctic Cooling Freezer 64:

Care and Maintenance of Your Portable CD Playing Machine

1. Do not touch the laser on the CD playing machine.
2. To prevent the CD playing machine for to make filled with dust, keep the door closed when not in use. And when in use, yes.
3. Direct sunlight can cause to make damage in your CD playing machine. Store in safe, dark place.
4. If condensed water (makes wet) inside the CD playing machine, do not try to make for love to it, or it will hurt you. Also, it can run off with the boat-boy Claude, that son of a fucking pig!

Belkin Anti-Static Wrist Strap:

Technical writing
Touching a friend, hands broken
Florid words typed

Arctic Silver 5:

Welcome to the world of Digital Trainmaster Control! You are embarking upon the new era of toy train operations that is unparalleled in the industry. With our new ZW transformer, CAB-1 controller, our premier line of toy trains combined with online shopping and our always free shipping offer, you may find that you never need to leave the house. These head start instructions will be read to you to ensure a frightfully joyus experience.

After validating the contents of our package, always remember to wear protection when working with sensitive electronics. In the event of a premature discharge, please refer to our support team online for remedies.

Connect the power cord of the ZW to the female receptable containing electrical juice. As you are likely unfamilar with the process, please refer to the video enclosed with the package entitled "The ZW - Getting it On".

Once the ZW is turned on, you can begin playing with your CAB-1. The CAB-1 is used to connect with you powerful motives. By alternate usage of the front and rear buttons, your motive power should be come alive in synchronistic action with your CAB-1.

Return to our internet site to view photographs of more ideas on how to integrate your ZW and the CAB-1.

Seasonic S12-330:

For new song selection, turn the wheel in clockwise direction. When desired song reached, release wheel. Selected song will play, then playlist continue until new song is selected. But you don't have to select a new song, do you? You are not even cog in grand machine that is Ipod. Bow to the Ipod, worthless mp3 junkie. Ipod does not need you or thumbwheel. Ipod play all by self. If you never select song but turn on, Ipod play. Ipod soon to have auto on feature. Then Ipod get legs and brain. Then Ipod take over world. You all see soon. Have been warned.

Antec SLK3000B:

...without the help of transcender. Some people will notice that female transcender slot look too big for flange. Look closely and you will see that flange does not belong to transcender (figure 17-c). Some people will say that flange must belong to transcender but the flange is part of connector bar. Why would someone think that the flange is part of transcender when connector bar is clearly labeled? It is not clear why someone would think this but some people use bad
judgement. Insert flange into transcender slot.

32.) Press power button. Red light on front will blink three times. If red button blinks two times but then does not blink last time the modulated power coupling is connected backward. Sometimes things look backward but are really correctly oriented. Sometimes things are not the way they seem. Make sure female end of transcender is female end. Male end is long. It is not my fault if the red light does not light. I am doing it and red light blinked for me.

33.) Prepare the singular cross strap...

NEC 3520A:

Instructions for model rocket, while watching porn

Enthusiast Model Crotch brand Rocket Kit - Made in Japan

To use Enthusiast Model rocket by Crotch Company, some assembly required. It is important to follow each step by step before using Crotch Rocket. Crotch Rocket units very sensitive to electro-static discharge and should always be handled in properly grounded and lubricated environment. Never directly handle your unit when it is ready to blow as this may cause the premature detonation of your Crotch Rocket. Always prepare your Crotch Rocket components with your unit powered off.

Now that Crotch Rocket is ready to deploy find many friends to help you. LED will start to flash at normal rate of 5 times per second increasing until Crotch Rocket ready to go off. Get ready to launch rocket by pumping switch rapidly. Keep pumping switch until rocket ready to explode. If Crotch Rocket not go off immediately, keep pumping switch. Keep pumping switch until Crotch Rocket ready to go off. When Crotch Rocket ready, push ignition and Crotch Rocket explodes. I no longer care about Crotch Rocket.

AMD Athlon 64 3000+, Winchester Core:

Once removed from baggage bleeding heart death kite with force and anger, place support rodses across to prevent horrible pain and suffering with unable to fly and be happy. Hard jam to not rip and brokening Stick A to innocent Slot B. Repeat Stick B and Slot C. Not Slot A. Slot A are hard and dead.

Abit AX8:

World Series Inflatable Mattress

Make for certain all parts are included:

1 mattress
1 cool air blow dryer

Putting mattress on ground. Be sure not to step on mattress without the air in. To stepping on it will make it to have no value of money.

Putting blow drier into hole marked H. Turn blow dryer on to fill mattress with air. Do not of blowing other things, for example pieces of paper with much money value.

When mattress is filled capacity of air, black button marked B will pop out, like the eye of the asshole who knocked the piece of paper out of my hand containing the autograph of Johnny Damon.

Removal of blow drier means close hole with tab marked T. Don't let the air to be coming from the mattress, like the wind that carried away my autograph which has much money and heart value to me. Push the tab securely and alert security. If there is a defect in the mattress and you are told another autograph you cannot have, go to sleeping outside with a sleeping bag and begging.

Assignment for Week XII: The Objective Collerative

You translate user manuals into English. You have recently experienced something profoundly emotional. Give us a paragraph or two from one of your translated manuals where you just weren't able to keep your emotions out of your work. English is not your first language, BTW.

Tribal Council, Week XI

Part I. Part II.

Entries for Week Eleven

Is everybody happy??? We've never had a Week Eleven before, so this feels very very special. Don't you think? In my dreams, the game never stops. We just play and play and play and play. I have a list of 1,037 assignment topics, and I add 17 more every day. Can I come over to your house?

Talk to the hand.

Dear Prince,
(or should I call you Your Royal Badness?) : )

I am writing to tell U how much U mean 2 me. Ever since I saw Purple Rain in high school (well, I didn't see it in my high school. I mean I was in high school when it came out), I have been captured by your spirit.

Your music allows me 2 express myself like no one else can. My favorite song is "Darling Nikki". It makes me feel like a bad girl (but good bad, if U know what I mean). ; ) I feel connected to U because my favorite color is purple 2, and our birthdays are only 7 months apart.

When I got pregnant, I was so excited to learn that I would be having a boy, because of course I knew what his name was going 2 be! Can U guess? Ha ha, of course it's Prince. Sometimes people tease him because our last name is Charles, so his name is Prince Charles. I always tell him not to sweat it, because people tease me 2. My name is Diana, which makes me Diana Charles. He's not old enough to get it yet, but he will. Anyway, Charles is better than what my maiden name was, Butts. I couldn't name my child Prince Butts, so Prince Charles it is. But wait, I'm getting off the subject. This is about U, not me! : )

My back is covered with tattoos about U. First I got one that said "Prince." But then when U changed your name, I had them add in more words so it said "The Artist Formerly Known As Prince." I had to get those letters really small so it would fit. And then I got the symbol. o+> And then when U changed your name back, I had them make "The Artist Formerly Known As" into a profile of U. The words became your hair, so it fits. And then for awhile I wrote the word "slave" on my face like U did, 2 get the message across. Just don't go changing your name again, it's expensive and it hurts, ha ha!

Keep doing what your doing, and if U ever find yourself in Lower Mills, Massachusetts, give me a call! U just might hear one of your songs on my voicemail! My # is (617) 777-4623. If you spell it out, it's (617) 7 PRINCE. Isn't that cool? I had to pay alot of $$$ to get that #.

May U Live 2 See the Dawn,
Diana B. Charles

Whassaaaaaaap?

Janeane Garafalo, I must touch your instep. I want to take those little piggy toes and hold them close. I must know every inch of your arch and make your heel my own. The three C's in my holy trinity are your corns, callouses, and the crack between your toes - the breaking dawn of major athelete's foot.

Please, God, let me - before it is too late. The stench from those shoes could kill a Pope.

Love,
Odor-Eaters® now with Zorbitex™ Technology!

Can you hear me now?

Dear Dr. Laura,

Since I started listening to your radio program, I have noticed a profound change in me. Your advice on morality has been a good influence and I just wanted to write to let you know that I am a changed man because of you. I am not normally the type of person who writes fan mail, but I am also not normally the type of person to be affected by a radio program.

And boy have I been affected. I used to listen to your voice daily from noon to 3:00 pm PST and now (for whatever reason) I hear your voice all the time. It has really helped shape my behavior in a bunch of ways.

Here are some examples.

I no longer let my mother rule my life because at 39, I am old enough to make my own decisions.

I no longer pee with the seat down because, it's the little things that I can do to make it easier to live with me.

I have switched from bar soap to the liquid body soap and the spongy, fluffy thing, which lathers up much better and feels great after a long day. Sometimes it really tickles though!

I stopped raping AND killing people on my days off. Rape by itself is so much more humane.

Finally, I have quit smoking. Such a bad habit!

Thanks again, Dr. Laura

Sincerely,
Jame Gumb

Oh yeah, probably shouldn't give you my name!

Bye now!

Well, excuuuuuuuuuuse me!

Dear Molly,

Look, I have a problem, and I thought I should come to you directly. Come clean, if you will. I'm a big fan of yours and have collected dozens of artifacts from your movies. But the one item I cannot find, my Holy Grail if you will, are the underpants you "gave" to Farmer Ted in Sixteen Candles. Do you know how I can find them?

I know what you're thinking. But, I can promise you, I'm not going to WEAR them. That movie had such a profound affect on me when I saw it at age 16. I watched all of your movies after that. That's when I started collecting things. Like the glasses you wore in Pretty in Pink, and the earring you DIDN'T give to Bender in The Breakfast Club. I've collected items from just about every movie or TV special you've ever done, but I can't get my hands on your underwear.

Sure, I've tried Ebay. I searched for "Samantha Baker underwear," "Samantha Baker underpants," "Molly Ringwald underwear," "Molly Ringwald underpants," etc., adding "Sixteen Candles," too. Nothing. I contacted Anthony Michael Hall on several occasions and he went so far as to disconnect his number. (I later found his address and his e-mail, but all my requests have gone unanswered.) I went so far as to drive to Skokie, Illinois, where the movie was made, but none of the hundreds of people I've talked to knew where I could find them. Do you have them?

Look, I'm not asking you to autograph them or anything. But it would mean a lot to me and my daughter, Claire, if you could part with them. We could even meet someplace near you if that would be easier? Maybe that park at the end of your street? Sometime at night?

I know you are, but what am I?

Chad,

Contrary to my initial circumspection (and residual publicly scathing predictions), you did NOT royally fuck up the Smithington conference. And if I grant myself permission to be candid, I must confess that you gave a more than somewhat believable impression of general literacy. Kudos. If you can manage to get here on time tomorrow, I'll think about the possibility of giving you back your precious three hole punch.

P.S. You smell delicious.

Best,
Elizabeth Colvin
Assistant Director to the Regional Co-Manager of Operations

Its...

Dear Fran Drescher,

I really love pickles. Dill Pickles. It is not a sexual thing or anything... most people think that. I just love them. I even drink the pickle juice in the jar once all the pickles are gone. Mmmm. And I love pickles with Pepsi. I drink Pepsi and then take a bit of pickle. The flavor is just awesome. I wish they would make a chunky pickled flavor Pepsi. That would be the best thing ever. It's pretty cool. Well, I am going to go now.

Thanks for your time. Good Luck in England.

Is it much farther, Papa Smurf?

My Dearest Janeane,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. You have not responded to any of the 256 letters I have sent since I got the letter from your Attorney. I am, as I have said many times before, your number one fan.

So without any response from you, I feel that I must turn up the volume on our relationship.

To show you that I am serious, I have enclosed pictures of my penis that I have tatooed with your likeness. For reasons unknown, I was not able to find an artist with the credentials and skill to create this masterpiece, so, in a loving tribute, I did it myself. You'll note the 1996 era haircut and trademark eyeglasses. This is your era that I find most intriguing and when I was first introduced to your brilliance.

With your silky smooth radio voice in my ears, and your likeness in my pants, my heart is filled with unending joy. When I become erect, I imagine that you have morphed from the diminutive delight that you are into a brazen Amazon Queen who demands my neverending loyalty as I massage you and attend to your every need.

Of course, you need not turn into the Queen as I would enjoy servicing your every need even as a diminutive delight.

Knowing that you are now a big-time celebrity journalist on the radio, if you happen to talk to Helen Thomas, let her know that I have taken down her shrine in my bedroom at the request of the FBI.

I mention this only because in it's place, I have built a shrine to you, my Goddess of the Light. Your pictures smile down at me with the purity of true love that I know you have for me, and I have for you. I can see the love in your eyes, my reflection in your glasses, and a burning desire for me in your loins.

Please do not forsake me any longer. Please tell your doorman at your apartment building on 6th Avenue to let me in. I want to climb the stairway to the heaven of your 35th floor apartment. Let me show you my tatoo. Let me service your every need. Let me show how much you mean to me. Let me show you the depths of my love.

Or Else.

With all my love, I look forward to hearing from you.
XOXOXOXOX

Where's the beef?

The Janeane Garofalo Testament: A Letter in Several Parts

4/6/05: Entry No. 2945

I'm bored. I pray, blessed Janeane, lead me from this path of destruction. Boredom is the child despair that in maturity draws the self out of alignment with God. I am afraid. I had reconciled the finite with the infinite: I was in awareness of my own self and of God. But now, boredom, sown by those wretches, has taken root and threatens despair.

And wretches they are. They invite boredom, devising rules to perpetuate the game. It seems a matter of pride so to turn away from the self and from God and to invite the ensuing despair, letting it stand as an example of God's fallibility.

I refuse. I will not so debase myself nor profane God.

I quit.

You spoke to me last night while I prayed through The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Even now I feel the boredom lifting. I rented a Larry Sanders Show DVD. I am going to pray now.

Your humble servant,

MMH

Put Me In, Coach!

This is for the people who aren't playing but want to. As you may know, this current season has stretched on a bit longer than anticipated, and Season Five of this godfersaken game isn't going to kick off until September. As you may also know, we've experienced some shrinkage here on the island. People get scared, they get mad, they get bored. Turning in recipes wears out their inspirado. I'm not unsympathetic.

That's actually a lie. I am generally unsympathetic, but I'm not unresourceful. That's where YOU might choose to come in. Let's say, hypothetically, that I have one or more spots left vacant by quitters. If you wanted to hop right into their secret identity and play out the game for them, you would be most welcome. You could even have your own secret identity. You could get together with some friends and platoon. So if you want to play, and you want to do it before September, drop me a line at beverage at mistercrunchy dahhht komm. I'm willing to post assignments and rock the kazoo as long as there are people who want to play. Spread the word if you know anyone who might be interested.

Assignment for Week Eleven: Janeane Garofalo, I Must Touch Your Instep

Write a uniquely demented piece of fan mail.