Assignment For Week Eight

Helloooooooooooo! Is anyone still here? Continuing on our theme of local/school newspapers, howzabout you whip up a question and an answer from a newspaper advice columnist who may have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed or is on drugs, or both.

Entries for Week Seven

Just two entries this week. Obviously voting is moot. I'll figure something out about how to proceed.

Princess Leah:

This reviewer attended opening night of what turned out to be a VERY long evening of so-called entertainment. The class play this year was a rendition of Cats, that would be more appropriately called "Alley Cats Howling". The cast did their best, but the staging and so-called special affects were too much for this po-dunk high school to pull off.

The saving element was the make-up - it hid the faces of cast members so they might survive the embarrassment of walking through the halls after performances. The lead alley cat, Miss Priscila Augustus, will not be able to live down her solos that lead audience members to put hands over the ears (I swear I saw several people actually put their hands up)...and leave in droves for the restrooms. Looking a bit bloated in her skin tight outfit, Miss Augustus belted out her songs and lead in one off pitch song after another. Poor poor kitty cat.

Bring on the dogs!

Landers Sisters:

"My Fair Lady" by G. B. Shaw
Review by Derek K. Peale, 9th Grade

"My Fair Lady" is a play by George Bernard Shaw. The movie came out in the 1960s and starred Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison. In the show Elizabeth Dolittle is a poor person and the Professor teaches her how to talk right and make her into a wealthy person. Then they fall in love. I really liked going to this play. The sets were good and the lighting was good. In the movie the Prof. had a huge house with a two story library. The funniest scene was where they went to the horse races and Elizabeth Dolittle stops talking right. It was clear in the movie that they were not really outside. The play starred Tanya Woodard and Matt Givens. They were the worst part of the play. They can't act at all. I am sure that everybody else was a better actor. If I go see this again, I am going to remember that there is an intermission because it is so long. The movie won many awards, and I recommend watching that and not wasting your thursday night and going to see this play.

Assignment for Week Seven

You are in ninth grade and write for your school paper. Your editor has just assigned you to review the upcoming school play (or musical), not knowing that the leading lady is your ex, and that the leading man recently stole her from you. Feel free to switch the genders as you see fit. Remember, you're 14 and pissed off. Keep it under 600 words.

Entries for Week Six

Where our castaways were asked to come up with one single entertaining sentence.

Aeon Flux:

With a moan she lay back on the couch and parted her creamy thighs; as I hovered above her I wondered briefly if her sister was there in the old mansion somewhere, watching us.

Chummy:

Why can't we pull the hairs off?

Audrey and Judy Landers:

When he saw the woman's tattoo, an enormous stack of syrup laden pancakes engraved on her ass, the conductor knew that the trip from Lynn to Red Lodge would again be unique.

Princess Leah:

There was a grey dove flying to South America and he saw the world as white pinpricks all night long and in the morning fog cotton patches padding the hillsides just like it had always been for the past 100 years when doves carried messages with the carrier pigeons, getting information faster than the pony express like typewriters did after the handset printing press, and computers do faster than anything else, but the dove just keeps flying at the same pace, over those bright lights while the world rushes around his ears.

Assignment For Week Six

Write one extremely entertaining original sentence. About anything. Just one sentence, but make sure it's entertaining.

Entries For Week Five.

Where our castaways were asked to write a local newspaper account of an event gone horribly wrong. Kind of like this game.

Sailor Mercury:

Great American Cooter Festival Starts Off Innocent Enough

The first annual Cooter Festival kicked off October 29th with a bang. The pet project of Mayor Turtle, the festival's intent is to draw together the town's people in honor of the cooter, a small turtle which represents great spirit and kindness. The highlight of the festival was to be the appearance of "Cooter" from the Dukes of Hazzard.

Unfortunately, the double meaning of the word 'cooter' was lost on the festival organizers and a band of unwelcome guests arrived shortly after the 7 pm turtle races Saturday evening. Thinking a 'Cooter Festival' was a great place to begin their highly anticipated adult entertainment film production, 'Cooter Hijinx', Tom Dancy and Elena Peirceall, arrived with a cast of adult film stars. Thinking Ben 'Cooter' Jones was the lead, crew members whisked him away to a trailer for prepping, or fluffing, as it's known in the industry.

Unsure of his role at the festival, Jones went along without hesitation. When asked why, Jones responded "I thought they was doing it to relax me. Hey, it felt good." The festival proceeded to deteriorate from there. Monxie Mink, Terra Goods, and Lori Cottonwood were found 'practicing their lines' in clear view of the children's petting turtle pond, much to the dismay of the mothers and amusement of the fathers. The film's props were left unattended and two unnamed boys were found played Star Wars with the dildos.

One local was quoted as saying "I knew this festival would attract cooter fans, but I had no idea the great activities they planned for the festival." Others were "dismayed, shocked, and revolted at the total lack of decency". The festival organizers have decided to change the festival's name to "Great American Cooter which is a Turtle Like the Ones You Can Buy at the Pet Store Festival" for 2005.

Dancy and Peirceall were charged with lewd and malicious conduct and attempt to defame a festival. Both are out on bond and are expected to appear in court next week.

Princess Leah:

Town Shuts Down to Mop Up after Motto Debacle
Weston, Oregon

Town officials announced today that the 131 year old town of Weston, located 11 miles northeast of Pendleton, will close for an unspecified amount of time for a community clean up. Mayor Jim Smith, declared the town "closed" to outside visitors and requested that people stop coming by to gawk at the mess. The small town of 600 was in a state of disarray after a Planning Commission meeting went awry, angry mobs roamed the streets, disabling the generator at the Smith Weston frozen food plant, causing rivers of melted ice to wash down the streets, carrying chunks of frozen potatoes out of the plant and into the streets, where they are now melting in maggot-like clumps in the streets surrounding the plant at the north end of town.

"The place is a hell-hole", recoiled town resident Janet Buckly, I haven't seen anything like it since the Umatilla tribe invaded the Round Up Rodeo back in the 70s during all that Indian uprising stuff."

Town Officials said a monthly planning meeting got out of control when the mayor and the Vision Committee chair clashed over the wording of the Town's motto, during a "Vision workshop". The Mayor's faction wanted the town motto to be "Weston, frozen foods and good people" while upstart social worker and "grant writer" Suzie Q. Liberal pushed for "Weston, open spaces and open arms".

"Suzie Q. just pushed every button the Mayor has, and when she wouldn't back down,it got ugly" the town recorder said, referring to the tape recorded meeting. Vision facilitator Sumner Sharpless, of Portland, commented "this is what happens when there is dischord in a community." Mr. Sharpless was last seen runing from Town Hall being chased by the angry mob.

Suzie Q. got revenge for the shouting match with Mayor Smith (cousin to Senator Gordon Smith) by leading a rogue group of do-gooders to the French fry plant, jamming the electrical system causing the meltdown of french fries to be. "Someone has to stand up for the little people" said Suzie Q. from her jail cell at the county jail in Pendleton.

The Mayor's faction appeared to get revenge by closing the "corner Cafe" a local coffee bar and only place in town where espresso is served. Neighbors took sides and soon jumped into the fray, Soon local boy scout troop 11453 was seen cooking french fry mush over the many bonfires lit about town. Country music competed against new age whale songs and finally the volunteer fire horn drowned out all other sounds.

Today there is an eery peace in the streets of weston, as residents come together to clean up and "reconnect".

Aeon Flux:

Haybale, New Hampshire; October 13, 2004 (AP)-

Yesterday's staging of a bicycling 'Critical Mass' event here in this small New England town went terribly awry.

Critical Mass is a monthly bicycle activist gathering held in major urban centers around the world. It was inspired by the cyclists of China, who must deal with intersections without signal lights by forming a large 'critical mass' of riders which can then safely pass through, stopping motor traffic. The Western Critical Mass rides are staged to raise awareness of bicycling issues; but they often run afoul of the law due to flagrant disobedience of traffic regulations. Large packs of cyclists typically close thoroughfares during their demonstrations. The events have also occasionally been hijacked by political demonstrators, which was seen during the recent Republican National Convention in New York, when a Critical Mass ride turned into a huge anti-Bush demonstration, resulting in mass arrests and the confiscation of dozens of bikes.

Haybale's Critical Mass was organized by Len Butcher and Darryl Linkhorn. As far as this reporter was able to determine, they are the only two bicyclists in town; but they sent an appeal to the university campuses of nearby Boston for enough riders to form a 'mass'. Students on bikes descended on this town in the hundreds.

By all accounts, the ride began peacefully enough. The mass of riders moved up Main Street, closing intersections with its sheer volume. At some point, a motorist stuck at a blocked intersection shouted an expletive at the mass of riders as it went by. A pack of cyclists broke off from the main mass and surrounded the pickup belonging to the man who had shouted. Witnesses report that the truck had a 'Bush/Cheney 2004' sticker affixed to the bumper, which apparently enraged the cyclists. They dismounted, began rocking the truck from side to side until it toppled, pulled the driver from the cab and beat him senseless with their tire pumps, then set fire to the truck. Other cyclists, spurred by this action, began attacking motorists caught in the melee, damaging their vehicles and injuring the drivers.

The single constable of Haybale was quickly overwhelmed by the escalating riot. He barricaded himself in the doughnut shop owned by his wife, and radioed the State Police for help.

Upon the arrival of the New Hampshire Highway Patrol, the town was completely in the hands of the rampaging bicyclists. Several fires were burning, including the school's only bus. Cyclists stood around the burning bus singing 'We Shall Overcome' and shouting "No war for oil!" The local Oldsmobile dealership appeared to be completely destroyed. A call was made to the Governor, and he dispatched the National Guard.

The patrolmen and those few Guardsmen who weren't currently stationed in Iraq formed an anti-riot line and began pushing the cyclists back. Riders clad in tight-fitting dayglo Lycra were forced to give ground, all the while shouting "Nazis!" and Remember Kent State!" Empty Sobe bottles flew through the air toward the authorities.

Eventually, the Guard and police donned gas masks and fired tear gas canisters into the mass of cyclists. That proved to by more than the self-proclaimed "Schwinn Warriors" could withstand. The crowd broke; sniffling, crying southbound cyclists were seen strung out along the route from Haybale to Boston for the next several hours.

Butcher and Linkhorn were unavailable for comment as to whether there would be another Critical Mass ride in Haybale next month.

Audrey & Judy Landers:

Man falls in stream, city erupts in mayhem
Red Lodge, MT

While fly fishing in Red Lodge Creek Monday, an un-named tourist from New England slipped, landing squarely on his back side in knee deep water. A small group of Harley bikers, in town for the annual Harley Rodeo, as well as one local, witnessed the wave producing event. While the fisherman could not be contacted for comment, several people indicated that he "hammed it up" by acting really pissed off when his pants filled with water. Several of the Harley Rodeo attendees began to laugh, at which time the local, one Mark Miller, cook at the Bull and Bear Tavern, took great offence. "The poor guy was really struggling to get up," Mark said later that evening. "So I went over to the Bull and Bear and I rounded up some prep chefs. We were gonna teach those Biker Dudes a lesson." When Mark announced his intentions at the Bull and Bear, a group of Harvard Geologists, in Red Lodge for their annual excursion, heard the story and felt sympathy for their fellow New Englander. "We were just going to see what the fuss was about, " said geologist Chip Helman. Once the geologists and bikers smelled each others scents, a fight was imminent. Insults were exchanged and tempers were flaring. About this time the mounted police arrived. Seeing the potential for geologist blood to be flowing on the streets, the police decided to break up the rumble before it got out of hand. Unfortunately when deputy Coleman fired his pistol into the air, the bullet struck a string of lights that had been hung for the annual "League of Nations" festival. The string of now burning lights alighted the flags of Holland, Sweden and Russia, the representatives of which were all in the Snow Creek Saloon. The bikers, sensing their natural enemy in the police, now turned their attention toward them. The geologists were generally defeated as the insults became too much for them to handle. Once the Russians saw that the flag burning incident was a big mistake, they came to the aid of the police with the Dutch, Sweden and, in a surprising turn, the Swiss all siding with the bikers. The fire was spreading and eventually reached the feed shed where last year's crop of popcorn was being stored in preparation for shipment to Mitchell South Dakota, home of the Corn Palace. The heat surrounding the silo made the structure behave like a giant Jiffy Pop and it soon erupted. Downtown Red Lodge was 5 feet deep in unbuttered popcorn with bikers, Dutch, Swiss and Swedes in a massive brawl with the Geologists, Russians, local authorities and prep cooks rounding out the teams. The final beer was poured somewhere around 3am and the festivities broke up shortly thereafter. The fisherman, while rumored to have enjoyed the scene, again could not be contacted for comment.

Assignment for Week Five: Oh The Humanity!

Give us a newspaper account of a small town event gone awry. Milk the progression from minor mishap to great mayhem, but try not to kill anyone. If you need inspiration, watch the last ten minutes of Animal House. 1,000 words max.

Week Four Tribal Council. Part One. Part Two.

Week Four Entries

Our castaways were asked to write an About page for one of these wacky hobby web sites that people seem to have. These are pretty wacky. Enjoy.

NOTE: Popeil's Pocket Fisherman has withdrawn from the game. I'll be flipping a coin later today to determine if The Fisherman goes in the cave with the monkey.

ANOTHER NOTE: Sorry for the delayed post of the entries. I blew my ankle out and fell into drug-induced slumber at 8 last night. If this puts a cramp in your voting, let me know. We'll work something out.

Sailor Mercury:

Nit Pickin Queen

Hi my name is Belvie and if you come here looking for nit picking advice you in the right place. I love them nits. The town folk call me nit picking queen of Jasper Alabama. Doc says I have O C D but I no want to take those funny pills he give me. During the nit season I sometimes pick nits for five hours each day. I must have pick those nits off half the town kids. My son Johnny Boy says I should put the picture of me pickin the homecoming queens nits. I taped the polaroid to the screen hope you can sees it. She cried after I picked out all her nits but theys would have come back with all that hair on her head. I hear she must have been with some of them football players cuz I had to pick nits for five of those boys.

I know the folk around here like me cuz theys always smiling at me and they so happy they even laugh! I heard some say I like them monkeys over in that zoo in the big city but I pickin nits out of hair not bugs out of fur. And I dont eat em. They just bein silly I gather. If you knows someone who needs nits picked tell em to come on by. My house is at 1st Street and Elm Street. I fixin me a tall glass of lemonade and I fix one for you too. Great talkin to you nice folks.

Leather Tuscadero:

About the Official Knight Rider X-Rated Fan Fiction Website

My name is Marissa. I'm 34, and a library assistant. I'm single, but deeply devoted to my love of the greatest show ever: Knight Rider!

In 1982, I was a twelve year old girl, confused about sex and sexuality. My mother just couldn't answer my questions. She tried everything: books, talks, counseling, leeches, but nothing cleared things in my mind the same way that cool September knight (lol!) did when Knight Rider debuted.

I have seen all 89 episodes dozens of times, organized letter-writing campaigns back in '86 to get the show back on the air, and devoted much of my free time in the subsequent twenty years to writing Knight Rider stories to carry on the great legacy started by the great TV genius, Glen A. Larson!

Everyone knows about Knight Rider: the show that launched the careers of superhunk David Hasselhoff (who later went on to become the multi-million dollar producer of the world-wide hit Baywatch and a huge pop star in Germany and other parts of Europe) and William Daniels, the voice of K.I.T.T., who went on to star for eight years as Mr. Feeny on the ABC hit sitcom Boy Meets World.

But most people recognize Knight Rider as a classic action hit - not as the defining emotional drama of the 1980s that it is. It launched the talking-car sci-fi action concept, brought the popular buddy-cop genre to television, and - most importantly :) - first developed the professional-partnership - steeped-in-sexual-tension idea, later seen on Moonlighting, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King, and dozens of current-day hits!

The relationship between Michael Knight and the Knight Industries Two-Thousand (K.I.T.T.) model vehicle is one of the most loving, tender, and complex pairings in TV history, and represents everything wholesome and good about America. It is the unseen man-car sexual relationship that they clearly allude to on screen (see the EXAMPLES page for many *extremely* detailed examples) that we will explore here in graphic detail.

If you are eighteen or older, click on STORIES to explore the more than six hundred (!!!) stories I've written - the hot, hot world of the Knight Rider X-Rated Fan Fiction!

Aeon Flux:

I was born in a tarpaper shack in Eastern Kentucky. I guess that's the reason I ended up joining this club. My daddy was an ignorant coal miner, my mama had me when she was 14. Other folks always looked down on us. We had to work real hard for everything we got. And that wasn't much. Well, except for the black lung. Daddy got that.

So, I always liked to make fun of folks worse off than I was. I tried the Klan, but they wouldn't have me for Grand Wizardly Dragoon, so I changed my name and left. Hope they don't find me.

Then one day, one of my friends with electricity showed me this thing called a computer. And on this thing, they have the Internet. And on this Internet, you can find out about people and things all over the world.

And that's how I found our group, Teasing Russian Brides.

I have really enjoyed getting together with you all to make up fake rich men and send emails to Russian women, so they think they will get married and come live in America. It is a fun way to make us feel better about ourselves. I never get tired of getting their hopes up, then dumping them. It's almost better than beer. Also, I like making fun of the way they write, like, "I am look forward to meet you for romance."

I look forward to the next year as your President.

Maybe this year we can expand the club, and send some emails to poor Filipino women.

Chummy:

www.thedildoaficianodo.com/about.htm
About Me
By Vince Thruster

Vince Thruster is not my real name. I took that name during my transformation. In high school I had a huge crush on a guy named Vince. He was a real stud. All the girls wanted him. "Vince." It's such a strong, manly name, and being the strong, manly type, I took it as my first name. As all I wanted to do with the women was, well, you know, "thrust," I took "Thruster" as my last name. "Vince Thruster." It's such an awesome name.

I said I had a crush on Vince, but that's not quite true. I really wanted to BE Vince. I didn't understand it and for a long time tried to stifle the feeling. But then I realized that what I really wanted was all the girls that were climbing all over him. That realization really freaked me out.

You see, my real name is Cindy Cunningham. Coming to terms with being a girl and wanting to be a guy was a long and difficult process. I won't bore you with the details of my reaching the decision to become a man--to dress and act like a man, to undergo hormone treatment therapy, and, the final step, sex reassignment surgery--phalloplasty.

I will tell you, though, that taking testosterone really made me a man. It's not about "passing" anymore. I am a man now. It's amazing. And it's no bullshit, it really does increase your sex drive. It's shocking how much so. At first, I wanted to hump everything in sight. I've calmed down a bit, but I still think about sex all the time and my dreams are full of sex and so intense at times that they wake me up.

I haven't reached the point of phalloplasty yet. But I wanted to have sex like a man and that's how I was introduced to the wonderful world of dildos. And that's what this site is all about--my dildos.

I used to be a bit disgusted with guys and their obsession with their penises. But now I get it. Its perfectly natural. I mean, with your brain swimming in testosterone, you're bound to obsess about your penis. And I obsess about my dildos, my de facto penises. I sort of have an advantage over guys with natural penises. They're stuck with what they've got. Me, I can change my penis as my mood changes. Better yet, I can change my penis as my girl's mood changes.

Well, that's it for now. I hope you enjoy my site. I've organized it by various categories--size, color, manufacturer, material, mechanical operation, etc.--and cross-referenced everything. As you can see, I've also included a "My Favorites" category, which has a few of my current favorites, like the Boi Toyz Thruster, the Futurotic Flexi-Dong and pretty much anything made of Cyber Jel-lee.

Audrey & Judy:

Hi Everybody, my name is Tommy Cotter and this is my report about my favorite thing: Lynn, Massachusetts. Maybe I should just say "Welcome to Lynn!" because this report is just like a little slice of Lynn. Lynn was founded in 1629 and currently has about 100,000 people in it. Most people know baout Lynn because of the poem: Lynn, Lynn city of Sin, you never come out the way you went in!" HA. That's funny. But Lynn is really known as the City of Firsts! We have had the first of everything. We had the first night baseball game. We had the first electric bus, the first air mail service and the first and only Fluff factory! Everybody in Lynn gets a free jar of Fluff every year! Hooray! Most people come here on the train these days... just passing through. This one place where I was born is now a grocery store. It used to be a hospital, but that went out of business! Now there is a supermarket and man I can't tell you how many hours I have spent in the roast beef place on the other corner. I can really only go about a week without a roast beef sandwich. I have been to other places in the United States of America and they don't eat roast beef subs there and if they do they suck! The best roast beef place is Kelly's but that's not in Lynn, but boy it's good. Um, let's see what else. Fluff factory, first basball game. OH! The Hell's Angles were founded here. I think. And people come here to visit LynnWood. Lynnwood is the second largest municipal park in the US after Central Park in New York. So that's cool. I have spent lots of hours hanging out in there and the cemetary that is attached to it... and the golf course. Ok, one last thing... there is a pond in LynnWood, called Walden Pond. It is NOT the walden pond that that guy wrote about. So don't be a tourist and come here to see it. That's up the road a bit. Let me know if you have any questions about Lynn!

Assignment Number Four: About Me

You've seen websites devoted to people's wacky hobbies. I know, I'm one to talk. I've got a game show on the Internet. Never you mind. In 700 words or less, give us the text of an About Me page attached to an imaginary hobby site. Plant yourself at the teeny tiny Venn diagram intersection of enthusiasm, defensiveness, and unintentional self-parody. Here are some examples to inspire you.

Star Wars Chick
Punkin Chunker
Transformer Costumes
The Duct Tape Guys
WWII Reenactor

Enjoy.