Assignment for Week Nine

Write a cover letter for a job the applicant would love to have but for which he or she is completely unqualified. Be bold, and spin the bejesus out of your irrelevant background. (This is a fiction contest, so the job does not in fact need to be one you'd love, nor does the aforementioned irrelevant background have to be yours.)

Week Eight Tribal Council.

(I'm still missing a couple votes on the side bet. Send 'em in, and I'll do a Special Emergency Tribal Council or something.)

Entries for Week Eight

...wherein you were asked to write a future obituary for a currently famous person who becomes more famous for something else in the future. Enjoy.

Oh, the side bet entries are here.

Z.Z. Gabor:

Robert Van Winkle A.K.A. Vanilla Ice, 57TH President of United States and Alternative Fuels Pioneer, Passes away due to bee stings.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Miami - Rob Van Winkle, who died May 26 at age 79, was first known as Caucasian rap phenomenon Vanilla Ice, and later became president of the United States after developing a safe and cost effective water powered automobile died Wednesday due to complications from bee stings

The retired hip-hop mogul devoted his time post gangsta rap to figuring out a safe and cost effective way to harness the hidden power of water. After discovering the formula for Cold Fusion conversion Van Winkle was awarded several Nobel Prizes and over 35 patents for his work on alternative fueled cars.

Van Winkle then tried his hand in the political arena, as he succeeded president George Bush VII by winning the 2024 Election. Van Winkle's cabinet is best known for solving America's homeless crisis, as well as finally bringing peace to the war torn state of North Dakota.

Van Winkle who's earliest fame came with the 1989 mega hit "Ice Ice Baby" always resented the fact that people continued to focus on his rap career as opposed to his contribution to solving the worlds energy crisis. Van Winkle always seemed unable to escape adoring fans of his previous career screaming "go ninja, go ninja, go!" referring to his work on the 1993 film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Part 2.

Van Winkle was the picture of good health, until he was stung by thousands of bees during a celebrity kick ball game hosted by Dustin Diamond of Saved By The Bell.

Survivors include his wife of 18 years, Lil Kim, her children, Lucretia, LuQwan and Ed; and her two grandchildren. Four children from a previous marriage to actress Jennifer Lopez also survive Van Winkle.

Lydia Lunch:

(published in Business Week, on June 1, 2034)

Pope William I

Last week, Pope William I passed away under mysterious circumstances in Seattle. He led the Catholic Church for 20 years after acquiring it in a hostile takeover in 2014.

Pope William, formerly known as Bill Gates, dropped out of Harvard University to found Microsoft, the software behemoth that was dismantled by the EU, Chinese, and American governments in 2008. Though a shadow of its former self, Microsoft's influence can still be felt today, as a large percentage of the world's computer's continue to run the Windows XP33 operating system.

Mr. Gates grew frustrated with the ever increasing amount of government scrutiny that his company attracted. After deep soul searching, he decided to buy an influential but struggling organization with strong monopoly power, free from the reigns of direct government intervention. So, he shocked the world in 2008 when he tendered an offer to purchase the Catholic Church for a mere $100 billion. While his offer seemed low, especially given the Church's expansive global real estate holdings, Mr. Gates' offer also included assumption of the Church's growing liability associated with sexual abuse by its priests.

The Church was forced to accept his offer, though it was able to attach one condition: Mr. Gates must be trained and ordained as a Catholic priest. After 6 years of intense training, Mr. Gates became Father Gates and then Pope William I.

Pope William's reign was marked by controversy. One of his first decisions was to build an enormous Cathedral in Seattle which he dubbed his "Rome away from home." Perhaps his most controversial decision was to declare that Baptisms are only valid for four years, after which Catholic Church members must be rebaptized or face ex-communication. While this drove approximately 25 percent of its members away, the remaining members obliged. This created a huge windfall for the Church, since the Pope urged priests to increase their fees for baptisms. Estimated annual revenues doubled. And with fewer members, the Church's cost base was reduced.

Many of the Pope's decisions were questioned because they seemed to move Catholicism too close to other religions. For example, recognizing radical Islam's success with promises of a sex-filled afterlife, Pope William adopted similar descriptions in the Church's official definition of "heaven." The Pope was fond of saying, "God has ordered me to bundle together the best spiritual solution for Catholics."

During his last two years, the Pope was believed to be suffering from early-stage dementia. During one of his final public appearances, he rambled on about "rewriting the DaVinci Code." While some believe that this comment was a poor attempt at humor, senior church officials quietly closed ranks and prevented any further public speaking engagements.

Ball Master Crazy:

St. Steven Buscemi, 76, of Paris, died 6:05 a.m. Tuesday, May 25, 2004, in his home in Ghana.

Born December 13, 1957, in Brooklyn, NY, Buscemi spent the better part of the 1990's and 2000's as an actor. Known for his quirky roles in independent and lower-budget films, Buscemi eventually worked a brief stint on the critically acclaimed television series The Sopranos.

Buscemi was best known, however, for his attainment of sainthood within the Catholic Church. Never before a religious man, Buscemi reported strange bleeding problems while taping the last season of The Sopranos. After a year-long hiatus from the lime light, Buscemi returned to the spotlight, when he announced that he had experienced the Stigmata. From there, Bescemi picked up the Cross and began a life of poverty and giving. Eventually, in 2014 Buscemi took up residence in Ghana, where he opened and administrated a free clinic, which focused on curing the youth of HIV and AIDS.

St. Buscemi's memorial service will be televised Friday, May 28th at 10 AM. Internment will be in Rome.

Cha Cha Muldowney:

George W. Bush Dead at 88.

George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States, died late last night. "He died peacefully in his sleep. He was happy. He knew that he had accomplished what God had sent him here to do," said Laura Bush, his long-suffering wife.

He is widely hailed as the greatest U.S. President. In his brief tenure, Bush transformed the Middle East from a volatile hotbed of radical Islamists, terrorists and brutal dictators to a stable region in which all people live in free and democratic societies. The conventional economic wisdom of the time held that tax cuts leading to an enormous deficit would doom future generations to huge tax increases or doom entitlement programs to elimination. Bush proved the conventional wisdom wrong. He radically cut taxes for the wealthy. This increased spending and investment in infrastructure and led to record employment levels. He confirmed that "deficits don't matter."

George W. Bush established unprecedented world wide peace and prosperity during his two terms in office. A united Congress, with overwhelming public support, proposed to amend the Constitution to permit Bush to serve a third term. Stating that the Framers knew what they were doing, Bush urged Congress to leave the Constitution alone.

A deeply religious man, Bush entered Divinity School for personal enrichment after leaving office. It is here that Bush had a sudden change of direction. "I was contemplating that old conundrum, 'how many Angels can dance of the head of a pin,' and God spoke to me. 'How many Angels can dance on the head of your dick, George,' he says to me. I was confused. I had no idea what God was saying to me," Bush explained. "Well, at the time I was reading Wilt Chamberlain's book, the one in which he says he slept with 20,000 women, and it came to me. Women are fallen Angels. God wants me to have as many of these poor Angels dance on the head of my dick as possible. God's presence, through my seed, can be planted in these poor souls so that they may rise up and live in his everlasting glory."

For the remainder of his life, Bush committed himself to "saving fallen Angels." Even as an octogenarian, a steady stream of women passed through his house. His claim to have surpassed Wilt Chamberlain can, apparently, be verified. According to Mrs. Bush, he did by a long shot. "I kept the records. Just like the Book of Life. I recorded the name of each and every Angel that George returned to God."

Week Eight Assignment: Who'da Thunk It?

For Week Eight, you are asked to write an obituary to appear in the periodical of your choice, thirty years from now, about a real person who is currently alive and famous but who gains notoriety in the future for doing something entirely different. 500 words max.

Entries for Week Seven

Man, this is crazy. I pull these assignments out of the anusphere and sure enough, you guys tee off on them. Nice job all around. I laughed audibly at three of these. Enjoy.

ZA ZA Gaboner:

PORNO-WOCKY

"Beware the Horsecock, my daughter!
The movies that rule, the titles written with catch!
Beware the money shot, and blumpkin so smelly
The directors demand a bald snatch!"

She took his fleshy sword in hand:
Long time the mushroom stamp she sought --
So rested he by the fluffers one, two, and three,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in donkey punch to the grill she withstood,
The dirty sanchez, with eyes of flame,
Came squirting through the turgid man flesh,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went dry humping back.

"And, has thou slain the horse cock?
Come to my arms, my beamish girl!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
For the people will see the hooded pearl.

'Twas roman showering, and the bukkakeing through
Did felching and Cleveland steaming made them faint;
All floppy were the tally wackers,
by looking at my weathered taint!

Ball Master Crazy:

Twas a hot mutha fuka up in the hizzle,
So I strolled down to the corner for a brief mizzle.
All them foos was hangin out real tight
When I buss out a jibber for all to ignite.

One pluuskie seen jwibbers when he took a toke.
Another got frizzled and started to choke.
Me, I just hung there, skwibber by my side,
In case a hiffarie leaped into stride.

We took off to the stizzle to get a droonzie,
Because Kelskum said she was a bit thoonzie.
The stizzle was bloobdin with all types of pluddahs,
So we rolled back up on the stoodah.

Roowie was nappin at that point real hard,
So we decided to chill in his little kerward.
One more jibber was all it took
To get all the homies smellin like crooks

Twas a hot mutha fuka up in the hizzle,
So I strolled down to the corner for a brielf mizzle.
All of the foos was hangin out real tight
When I buss out a jibber for all to ignite.

Techno Destructo:

"I pray thee, boy, tho thou art strong,
Take care from fleebling, paler foe:
From smeensy hand and smooshy mouth
Come fiery smacks and screams of woe."

The boy stood on his toes and laughed.
"What lore!" he thought, "what ginderslap!"
"I know this 'foe' of which you speak,
Soft kindness marks no viney trap!"

So blustered, boy! so puffed with slike!
His sword he thrumbled thru the air.
"I call thee, foe, of milken soul:
Come forward from your silken lair!"

The bushes thrembed, the tree leaves thrombed,
Two squinty eyes vlurned thru the night;
Lids painted high, lids painted low
And lashes whippling with much might.

Our boy with moonish sighs did wilt
With spying hair so flamble gold,
His mouth putumbled sounds of awe
While Foe, she smirned and preened and trolled.

"Methinks," she sighed, one hand a'cheek,
"Tis time for shopping! wine! and song!
I have no shoes to match this dress;
You will concurr-- my rule is strong."

The boy, too smirth! saw only charm--
Aswim in peevilish eyes of dew--
To shop they went, to shop they are
And then maybe they'll stop and get a bite at PF Chang's if the wait isn't
too long and she doesn't have a headache.

Shirley "Cha Cha" Muldowney:

Neo-Jabberwocky

(from a look through the mirror at 6:45 pm, Wednesday, May 19, 2004, and what Cha Cha saw there)

'Twas blerg, and the wragid magures
Did squalm and smather in the flome:
All margling were the sclagers,
And the gorgid voltars did vome.

The old Jabberwock was now but droom,
His skull upon the fleemal.
The glory all bafoom
And that beamish boy, now old and bleamal.

A neo-Jabberwock forgoamed his life.
Putting him through a queemish way
Was his gamarish wife,
Who was always pafumping for a fray.

"Beware the neo-Jabberwock, old man!
The hag that nags, the shrew that bites!
Beware that caflarpy, and ban
That flamondous snergite!"

As the neo-Jabberwock frastered him about,
In foabish thought he greemed his seat
And sat there in blabern flout.
Her eyes braneened in crabum heat.

One, two! One, two! And through his bag
Her razor fingers cut--frap, frick.
She pulled it empty and, as if a flag,
Hung his balls upon a stick.

"And, has the neo-Jabberwock blamtamed you?
Away, you fleebish dumstizzy!
O camumrish day! Begarm! Begoo!"
He shrieked in his crumfizzy.

'Twas blerg, and the wragid magures
Did squalm and smather in the flome:
All margling were the sclagers,
And the gorgid voltars did vome.

Week Seven Assignment. Jabberwocky II: Electric Boogaloo

Nerd alert! You know the Jabberwocky, right? Sure you do. Lewis Carroll, 1872. Lots of made-up words that have somewhat obvious meanings. How about you give us the sequel, in the same style. The beamish boy may have come home triumphant, but his problems have only just begun. Women. Sheesh.

Criminellies

Another tie. I am contacting the tiebreaker even as we speak, so check your email.

Entries for Week Six

...wherein you were asked to create an homage of sorts to the now-defunct Friday Five.

(Make sure you check out Lydia's entry. It went up a little late. Pilot error. Now simmer down you curly quote typin scalawags!)

Betsy Ross:

1. What is your favorite brunch drink?

Mimosas. There's nothing better than getting a little sloshed on champagne before noon on a Sunday morning. Everyone else is at church and I'm getting high on suds charmingly camouflaged by orange juice. Is she drinking this early in the morning? Just orange juice, I reply, dewy-eyed, like a socialite.

2. What is your favorite lunch drink?

Margaritas. Drunken lunches are the dirty little secret of the downtown set. A flurry of whispered phone calls and giggly instant messages confirms what we all want. We slip on the flats that we keep in bottom drawers -- because you don't want to be stumbling on heels on the way back to your desk -- and we meet at the corner. La Rosita is just a couple of streets over, but it's a dive and a dicey walk that our coworkers wouldn't dare take. We sit with other drunken lunchers, drinking two before heading back, fuzzy and walking in crooked lines.

3. What is your favorite dinner drink?

Wine. White only. Keep me away from the reds. I was at a dinner party. I sipped my way through three glasses of cab and found myself telling bawdy tales of lusty pirates to a room full of people I didn't know. Sure, I was the hit of the party, but it made me question how I could come up with so much about lusty pirates on the fly. Was it a hidden fantasy? Pirates? White wine only from now on.

4. What is your favorite nightcap?

Jello shots. Oh sure, you'll say this is a party drink, you'll say it's for teenagers, you'll say it's for frat boy blowouts with blowup dolls and property damage. But line some of those puppies up on your coffee table with only the cats to watch you and I swear there's a party to be had. Call up some ex-boyfriends. Find out some are married. Find out some have kids. Kids? Find out their names are Rhiannon and Shiloh. Find out some have moved. Find out Jesse Turner, the one from the fifth grade, died ten years ago and find out that really bums out his mother at 2 a.m. Find out a lot about yourself and start to cry until you pass out. Yeah, that's my favorite nightcap.

5. What is your favorite after-hours club, lost-the-will-to-live drink?

Pina coladas. What's more desperate than a pina colada? With the song and all? It's just like that. Cheesy '80s -hair guy hitting on me when my mascara is running and I don't have a ride home. Yeah, all right, I like getting caught in the rain, now can I get a ride with you?

Ball Master Crazy:

The Friday Five, as answered by Howard Stern.

1. What was your first nickname?

Look at the smokin' body on you. You can't weigh more than a buck-ten. What, do you workout all the time? God. Whatever it is that you're doing, baby, keep it up.

2. Who was your first crush?

What do you got on under there? I bet it's a thong, isn't it? It's probably red silk... or maybe black. What do you think, Robin? Ooooh, she might not even have anything on. Are you panty-less, honey? I bet you are. Did I mention you're smoking hot? 'Cause you are.

3. Who was your first kiss?

What do you think, Robin? This girl is one in a million. What website did we get you from? Put me in touch with the talent scout over there; I want to send this guy a personal thanks for recognizing beauty like this. You are on in a million, baby.

4. What was your first car?

Alright, honey, let's get serious. Do you do chicks too? I bet you do. I'll bet you'll take an orgasm any way you can get it, huh? Oh, that's hot. Anal? Do you do anal? How old were you when you first did anal? Have you ever been in an orgy?

5. What was your first pet?

Do you want a job stripping at Scores? I can get a job for a chick like you in a heartbeat. Seriously, you let me know. I can hook you up. As a mater of fact, why don't you come over here and sit on my lap. Come on, Robin, tell her to come over here and sit on my lap for a minute. Ooooh yeah, honey, I can get you a job in no time. Let me tell you, you are beautiful, and there is nothing more important in life than being a hot chick.

Shirley "Cha Cha" Muldowney:

1. What new word did you learn this week?

Orchidectomy.

2. How did you learn the word and what does it mean?

Mr. C. alleged that I recently had one.

As orchids are usually associated with female genitalia, I thought maybe he was suggesting I had undergone--ugh--female circumcision. Given my situation, I thought this was exceptionally beastly. I could barely turn the pages of the dictionary I was shaking so badly with anger. When I at last found the word, a wave of relief washed over me. I knew Mr. C. could not be so insensitive.

My doctor, the divine Dr. B., spoke in euphemisms the entire time he cared for me. I never knew the clinical term for what I'd undergone.

I am now proud to say that, yes, I recently had a bilateral orchidectomy. Dr. B. removed both of my testicles. He just contacted me for permission to post pictures of my procedure on his web site. You can see step by step how he removed each of those misplaced stones at www.beavercleaver.net/orchiectomy_slides.htm. I'm a little surprised that he didn't wear gloves. He seemed such a stickler for keeping things sterile.

What does it mean to me? While I've known for years that I am a woman, there has been this small voice of doubt. The orchidectomy was the first irreversible step toward SRS (sexual reassignment surgery), and having taken it, that voice is forever silenced--I am truly a woman.

3. Make an anagram of the word.

I torch my code.

And I do. With the orchidectomy, I can now have my legal status officially changed. No longer do I have to bear the indignity of my ID designating me an "M." I am now legally an "F." It all comes down to gonads for the Biological Essentialists: testes = man, no testes = woman. It's not even a penis thing. It's absurd that such definitions rely on the presence of testicles. I'd passed as an "F" for years, even with those misplaced rocks between my legs. Now that I'm sans testes, the law must recognize me for what I truly am--a woman, even if I do have a penis.

4. Use the word in a limerick.

An orchidectomy was to be had

By a very unhappy lad

Before, he was he

After, he was she

And now she is oh so glad

5. Make up and define a word.

Hormonomoly: n. Hormonal deviation from the normal order describing a transsexual's belief that she/he was born with the hormones of the wrong sex.

Techno Destructo:

THE FRIDAY FIVE! WITH THE MICROSOFT WORD PROCESSING ASSISTANTS! YAY!

1) What do you consider to be your best feature?

ROCKY: Well, I've actually had quite a few people tell me that I'm a really "safe" guy. like let's say a person saves an important file, like, I don't know, a will or a thesis or a suicide note or something, and when that person hits SAVE and then I hold the little disk out to let the guy know I've got it, and then I stick it under my collar and into my neck? Like that? People dig that. I mean, I've got the disk, you know?

CLIPPIT: I like to think I add a little bit of "wacky" to the job, frankly. I try to show up every day with a fresh, zany outlook. if someone's been working on spreadsheets for five and half hours and they suddenly decide to ANIMATE, ANIMATE, ANIMATE. well, I've got to be ready for that. And not just blinking my eyes and shit, but ready with something original.

OFFICE LOGO: Yeah, could you watch your mouth please?

F1: Oh my god, dude, shut the hell up.

OFFICE LOGO: Look, if you have a problem with office policy then you're welcome to take it up with management, but I for one am not going to sit here and.

F1: You're a narc and a dork and you need to shut your fuckin' hole. Go ahead, man.

CLIPPIT: Yeah. So, something original. Like, what I like to do every once in a while, like a teaser, is coil up and then slide through my own eyeballs. I call that the "overtime bonus". So I guess what I'm saying is, I just try to show up and throw in a little something extra.

MOTHER NATURE: [chimes]

2) What do you consider to be your worst feature?

GENIUS: Okay, okay. I know. I've been really trying to work on it, but I do have a tendency to be kind of a know-it-all.

MOTHER NATURE: [chimes]

GENIUS: I know! I know! What can I say? I think the classes are helping. I know I'm throwing down the light bulb a lot less often. I'm trying, okay? But when that guy earlier INSISTED on formatting a list ONE thing by ONE thing and he could have done it all at one time and saved himself like an hour, well, I didn't handle that very well.

MOTHER NATURE: [chimes]

GENIUS: Thanks. You too.

THE DOT: SPARKLERS! AND ICE CREAM!

F1: Jesus fucking Christ.

THE DOT: [bouncing] AND COCA COLA! AND BANJOS!

F1: Could you get him the fuck out of here, please? Sorry, man. He's completely gone.

3) What do you do in your spare time?

CLIPPIT: Are you serious? "Spare" time? Oh, you must be that guy who does all of his word processing between nine and five, Monday through Friday, right? No late night research papers for you, huh? With the NoDoze and the shaky-ass hands and the "I don't give a crap about grammar or spelling" attitude? Yeah. SPARE time. Nice.

LINKS: I actually DO find myself with some spare time. I don't know, I'm not really in high demand right now. It comes and goes, you know. I'm not complaining. I mean, the pay's the same and all. I mainly just hang here, I guess. Just sort of waiting.

F1: We're going to get ours, Links. I swear it, man. You've just got to hang in with me, okay? Just be cool.

LINKS: I know.

OFFICE LOGO: I don't really think that.

F1: Shut up, dorkass. Mr. Spare Time himself. Mr. "I'll spend all of MY spare time writing memos to The Boss".

MOTHER NATURE: [chimes]

F1: [laughing] Totally! Oh god, that's SO true.

4) If you weren't doing this, what would you be doing?

CLIPPIT: Uh, fighting crime? I'm a paperclip, bro. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that I'd be holding sheets of paper together.

F1: It may sound stupid but I've always wanted to go on like "Robot Wars" or something. I think I'd kick ass. Is there one where it's like "Punctuation Robot Wars"? Because I'd be like baby oil on brass, baby. Smooooooth.

OFFICE LOGO: I've really always wanted to try my hand at politics.

MOTHER NATURE: [chimes]

REST OF THE ASSISTANTS: [howls of laughter]

GENIUS: [wipes eye] Can we move on? Some woman is trying to bullet point a term paper.

5) What would you say your.

THE DOT: PIZZA! AND EARMUFFS! LA LA LA!

CLIPPIT: Fuckin'. where's that harness?

THE DOT: BIIIIIIIIIIRD FEEDER! HA HA! CHICKEN FOOT! SALAD!

F1: Are we done? I think we have to be done.

ROCKY: Yeah. Sorry. Come back later or something.

MOTHER NATURE: [turns herself into a tornado]

ROCKY: Totally.

Lydia Lunch:

1. Do you pick up hitchhikers?

I did until an incident that happened while driving through Rhode Island on my way back to college in New Jersey. I spotted a hitchhiker who was standing next to a broken down truck in 90-degree heat. Thinking he was the unfortunate driver, I picked him up. He wasn't the driver. It got worse: while driving past a parked State Trooper, my new passenger ducked. After two hours of nervous conversation, during which I figured out that he had recently committed some sort of crime, I finally convinced the guy to get out of my car and onto the median strip of I-80 in New York. I have never picked up a hitchhiker since.

2. Have you ever tried to evade the police?

After my high school prom, I went "parking" with my girl friend and a 12-pack of beer in the woods, behind a water tower. At about 3 AM, a police car approached the water tower. I started the car and pulled around the water tower, just before the officer got within view. I gunned the engine and flew out of the woods and onto a main road. I whizzed past the local police station, where there was another policeman waiting. He pulled out and the chase was on. I increased my speed to 110 MPH and killed my headlights. After increasing my "lead" to about half a mile, and without applying the brakes, I veered onto a side road and watched the speeding cruiser zip by on the highway. Fortunately, he never saw my license plate. (For weeks thereafter, I trembled every time there was a knock at the door.)

3. How many times have you been pulled over for speeding? And how many times have you been ticketed?

I have been pulled over approximately 10 times over the past 22 years. I have received only 4 tickets. In order to avoid tickets I have always chosen the "extreme honesty" route: "Yes, sir, I was driving way too fast." After handing me a warning, one forgiving officer told me that I was the only person all day to admit to driving too fast.

4. What was the worse thing you were caught doing behind the wheel for which you went unpunished?

While living in New Orleans, I once drag raced an old Corvette. The Corvette dusted me, leaving me to deal with the New Orleans policemen who drove up next to me and shined a spotlight into my car. Out of my watering eyelids I saw a single flattened hand make the universal sign for "slow down." Then the police car sped away. Later my local friends told me that I was being "profiled" -- if I had been black, I would have been thrown into jail.

5. Have you ever caused a car crash?

Fortunately not. The worse damage I have ever inflicted on a vehicle happened in the parking lot of my local garden shop. I parked and went shopping. Upon my return five minutes later, my car was gone. Vanished. Moments later, I spotted my car backed into a parking spot about seven parking spots away. I was completely mystified. After interviewing an equally bewildered truck driver, who had witnessed my car parking itself, I figured out that I had forgotten to set my emergency brake while also failing to leave my manual shift in gear. Since I had pulled into a spot on a slight incline, the car rolled backward. Then, the driver's wheel turned just the right amount so that my car made an unobstructed, backwards U-turn into a (fortunately) vacant spot. The car stopped after crashing into a fence post, and then lurched forward a bit, leaving it perfectly centered in a new parking spot.

Week Six Assignment: The Final Five

As of today, The Friday Five is dead. Pay tribute this week by asking and answering your own Friday Five questions, all related to some clever theme. Here are some examples if you're unfamiliar.

Tiebreaker

The votes are all in and we have a tie. I need everyone who

1. Did not originally vote for either Judy or Cha Cha, AND
2. Who is not themselves Judy or Cha Cha

to vote again, for either Judy or Cha Cha. Thanks.

My wife has pointed out that this is unfair and stupid. Do over. Everyone who is not Judy or Cha Cha, please vote again, for either Judy or Cha Cha. Sorry for the confusion.

Week Five Entries

And here they are.

Ball Master Crazy:

There once was a fat boy named Davey,
Who worked the day shift at Old Navy.
He tripped on a peg
snapping his leg,
And out of his wound poured gravy.

(Editor's Note: Ball Master Crazy feels that only a blank page can convey the existential angst permeating his tale of modern retail injury. Either that or his PC has come down with the Sasser Virus.)

Shirley "Cha Cha" Muldowney:

Listless old cuss Mister Crunchy®
Did not like his wee little scrunchy
So he bought a new thong*
wrapped it 'round his old dong
And now he's really quite punchy

*Mister Crunchy®'s Classic Thong®, this season's must wear for true Reverse Survivor® fans, is now available at www.cafeshops.com/seasontwo.

Betsy Ross:

I gave you the last of my Kit-Kat,
But it turned out that you were a big brat,
So now I will fight
When you ask for a bite,
Or maybe just give you a Tic-Tac.

Techno Destructo:

One Twinkie lay limp, dry and dusty
While his twin with a grin called him "Lusty";
"I told you," he barked,
"Those cupcakes are sharks!
"Now you've lost all your cream to that hussy!"

Lydia Lunch:

There was a bald old man named Kevin
Whose days numbered less than seven
Doused his head in Rogaine
Snorted five lines of cocaine
And rode that hairy speedball to heaven.

Judy Jetson:

He ate McDonald’s for breakfast, lunch, dinner
30 days later he hadn’t got thinner
His heart was in trouble
And his sex life in rubble
But at Sundance his film was a winner

Week Five Rulings

A player has requested a ruling regarding submitting multiple limericks and images. My response is that the assignment is one limerick and one graphic no larger than 400 X 400. I will not post more than one limerick or one picture, although you are certainly free to jam as much into your graphic as will fit. If that includes hand drawn lettering that makes up additional words, so be it. It's not like your fellow castaways are looking for a reason not to vote for you or anything.

A player asked about submitting a Microsoft Word document with embedded graphics. The short answer is no. The Web don't know from Word. Send the text of one limerick in the body of a properly formatted email, with a graphic file attached in a format that the Web can display: GIFs or JPGs are probably best, others are OK, but remember I will squash any file larger than 40K down to that size. This will not affect the size of your picture, but may alter resolution and colors. If your picture is larger than 400 pixels in either dimension, I will crop as I see fit.